Featured Poet - Koiko Tsuuda

SMILE

I’m not happy

I haven’t been happy for so long

I don’t even remember

How it feels to be happy

I’ve lost it

Somewhere along the way I lost it

And when I look back

And search for it

I find nothing

As if all the memories

That used to bring me joy

Have been eaten away

And all there’s left

Is a silent hollowness

And it feels so very mundane

So very normal

Like life has always been this way

So dead and wasted

So awful and useless

Even in the brightest of days

The sun can’t outshine the dark

And I don’t know how

To not notice it anymore

But I don’t want other people

To see me like this

I don’t want them to be sad

I don’t want them to cry

As they stare into my gloomy

Blank

Lifeless eyes

And witness the hell

That burns inside

THE LIGHT

I wish I were stronger

I wish I could keep up the facade

But I can’t bear to plot through

Yet another masquerade

To paint happiness on sorrow

To say the lines without a hook

To pretend stars mean something in the sky

To act like nothing is wrong

When nothing is right

And smile

And smile

And smile

So nobody would worry about me

I know there’s a light somewhere

But I can’t pretend everything will be all

right

When it’s all still stuck in my head

The unforgettable dreams

The inescapable present

The suffocating darkness

Of a faceless man

Standing in an empty room

With no windows and no doors

Living a life

Punctured with an ache

That’s so fierce

So persistent

It breaks the spirit of his soul

And its will to resist

And I can’t help but wonder

Maybe the muzzle flash

Is the famous light

At the end of the tunnel

Everybody has been talking about

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

I have these moments

When everything becomes too much

My thoughts start racing

And crashing

And burning

Breathing accelerates

Hands start to tremble

And all of a sudden

Hatred is every colour

And there’s just so much

Ugly

Choking

Anger

Reverberating inside of me

I’m unable to stop myself

From getting worse

So I splash my rage

All over the bedroom walls

I punish the furniture

For the despair that I feel

I peel my skin

Pull it and twist it in agony

Squeeze my head

Beat it with the palms of my hands

Till I get dizzy

Till I fall on my knees

Shirt torn

Face in my hands

Wishing I could cry

BEHIND FOUR WALLS

I won’t go outside

It takes all of my energy

To suppress my anxiety

To conceal my physical shame

To merely appear normal

I won’t go outside

What if there’re people out there

What if they talk to me

How’re you doing

How’s the day

How’s the job

What do I say then

I won’t go outside

I would have to prepare

For the worst-case scenario

Because I have convinced myself

It’s definitely going to happen

And if I can’t come up with the perfect plan

I push aside the things I want

I push aside the things I need

I won’t go outside

Even if my friends invite me

I don’t know how to be around people

I don’t know which words to use

And when I do figure out what to say

And how to say it

The words get stuck behind my teeth

And again

The moment is gone

Again

I’m sitting in a corner

Silent and alone

Again

I don’t belong

Here

There

Anywhere

APOCALYPSE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

Why did I have to be this way

Why can’t I be normal

Why can’t I be like everyone else

If I could be

I would

I wish I could

Maybe I’m being a little overdramatic

Maybe I’m too much in my head

But I’m not okay

And I don’t know how to deal with it

I can’t see the world as it is

I can’t see the colours in it

It’s like my own imagination

Has turned against me

And pulled a black cloth over my eyes

Creating a suffocating existence

Where every minute

Of every hour

Of every day

Drags out like misfortune

Turning the time itself

Into a disease

That beats me senseless

And chokes the joy out of my life

To the point where even my father tells me

There’s no more shine in my eyes

And so I keep wrestling with myself

In this downward spiral of hopelessness

Unable to shake the awful feeling

That I’m bound to live a life

I no longer wish to live

BLUE

I know how it feels to want to die

I know how you curse the sunrise

The morning you hoped to wake up dead

Because each dawn turns old aches

Into new again

And it feels like the birds came out to sing

Only to remind you of it all

I know how you stay silent and still

And say nothing

When you feel everything

Because the more you have to say

The harder it is to speak

And you’re afraid

Once you open your mouth

No one will be there to hear you scream

I know how you drag that knife on your arm

Longing to press it down

Not from disgust with life

Not to commit suicide

But to write

Help me