LISTENING TO MY INNER VOICE
By Paul Parker
Each of us has a memory. Memory is a gift of the mind. We all share the miraculous capacity to remember, to use our memory to think, to recall. A clear memory is the greatest of blank canvasses. Upon this canvas our life can be revealed. Like the mind itself our memory is a window of ourselves and our experiences. However long we live upon the Earth, our memory is with us until we are no more, and like the mind itself, our memory has a health that can suffer.
Life experiences come in different guises at different times of our lives; who you are, where you live and what you do has great effect upon your memory. We cannot plan for everything, and everyone of us uses memory each day of our lives. Memory is many things to each of us; it can be emotive, reflective, nostalgic, instinctive and a means of personal comfort. But, like human nature, memory can be bitter, intrusive, unnerving and wayward.
Memory can also be the cause of suffering to those of us who incur challenges to our mental health and wellbeing; memory is part of our living mind and can help us to live our lives, it can also upset the balance of our mind.
As I write this, I am now approaching my seventieth year of life. We all have an 'Inner Voice'; some people are aware of it, others are not, but I have always listened to my 'Inner Voice'. It helps me with my writing, especially my poetry. It has also helped me for most of my life. Now that I am soon to be in my 70s, my 'Inner Voice' tells me that this is the last decade of my life. I accept that. By accepting this I can allow my memory to show me - through remembering what my life had been, and what I can remember about it. Part of this memory experience tells of my military service. I served for eighteen years in the Royal Air Force. I will never remember everything of course, but I will never forget it either.
My struggle with mind and memory began after I left the military. During those years I had no idea what PTSD was; it was only when my struggle with trying to adapt to civilian society began to take a turn for the worse, and my mind flicked the switch of memory - my 'Inner Voice' started to shout at me!
Those memories of what I experienced as a serviceman, especially on active service in Northern Ireland in the 1970s, began to attack my character - and it frightened the life out of me! My memory - through my 'Inner Voice' - dictated who I was.
Finally, for the sake of my sanity and my family, I sought psychological medical help - I had left the Royal Air Force in 1991. I received my diagnosis PTSD in June 2006, 15 years later! My experiences in therapy helped me to understand PTSD and its effect on military veterans. I accepted it, because I had to understand it. I also became aware, through therapy, of the importance of human memory.
PTSD and memory are bedfellows of the mind. That's where it all happens. Since 2006, and all the therapy and medication, I now live with it all. My experiences in Northern Ireland and the military society are over fifty years old. My memory now is not as good as it was, but what I have learned is that memory can be understood - if accepting and being able to cope with all those memories helps you to live your life as best you can. I consider myself to be very lucky; I could have withered and been lost, but because of my experiences in therapy I was able to reset myself psychologically regarding my mental health. I recognised completely how complex the mind is, and its power over our lives. I used all my therapy to regard the mind as supreme. Emotion, imagination, thought, and memory I have regarded as gifts of the mind. Yet, the mind may be supreme, but it is also vulnerable - it can be challenging for the mind to react to the human experience. That, I have learned during my lifetime. But I have never lost sight of the importance of the human condition of memory.
The dictionary defines the word 'elderly' as old, so do I consider myself 'elderly' at this moment? I asked myself that question towards the end of last year. I am still of sound memory, but my 'Inner Voice' tells me that, with this forthcoming 70th birthday, I will officially be both elderly, and old! If so, then my mind and all its self, must be old too but my memory is something I will try to look to, and take comfort from, for as long as my health runs its course. The PTSD I live with is what it is; I never think of it as an illness more a condition, and I do not believe it can be cured. It's too complicated for that. My PTSD lives with me and by coping with it I am able to refer to it as 'An Unwelcome Guest'.
My memory recalls that I finally left therapy and anti-depressant medication five years ago (come June this year, 2025). That's a memory my 'Inner Voice' will always helpfully remind me of.