Featured Poet - Payal Kudesia

MESS

Everyone wants it easy

Someone that's moldable

Someone that's not out of the regular

Someone that won't make their life difficult

Someone who can ease their pain rather than adding on to it

And I think it's fair

Fair of them to hope to meet the perfect person rather than working it out with the imperfect one

Cause noone likes a mess

The broken one

The one fed up with herself

The one who will never give up on anyone else but herself

The one who sees other's imperfections but still chooses to see their best parts

And accepts them even when the whole world says the opposite

She will make sure to appreciate their flaws

Because she knows how it feels when everyone chooses to see the worst in you and amplify it

Rather than appreciating you for your chaos and seeing you for who you are

People only want to see the beauty

But the rules get changed when they are the ones getting judged

For then even if u r a beast

It won't appear so even if u look in the mirror

You will just see yourself and embrace your difficulties

Why is it like this

Why do we fail as a society

For people who are wronged by us

For the ones with a fragile heart

For the ones that always appreciate the good in the others even if they are the ones getting wronged

For the ones that try to be their best self even if it comes with a cost

For the ones that always sacrifice their own happiness for seeing a smile in others face

For the ones that puts themselves at the very last no matter what the case

For the ones who have seen betrayal all their life still trust the people that they love

For the ones who knows the pattern but still choose to repeat it hoping this one time will be an exception

Why do we always hurt them

Why do we always fail them

Why can't we embrace their mess for once

Why can't we appreciate them for all that they have overcome

Why can't we accept the fact that behind that smiling face is a person who cries herself to sleep every night

Hoping that one day it will all be alright

For she needs saving

Maybe she is too tired and deprived of all the love that now she is craving

Can she be blamed

Can she be shamed

For all she asks is to get the same love that she spreads

The kindness that she shows

The smile that glows

She looks at this world way too differently

Maybe that's her fault

Maybe that's what the cause

But she still hopes

That one day she will find someone who will handle her with care

And appreciates her mess and finally it will be fair

For it's too rare

Finding someone like her

With a beautiful heart

And a fragile past.

FIGHTER

I am a fighter

I am a survivor

Don't judge me for my scars

I have been through wars

And I might seem alright

But look closer in the nights

You will see the demons I fight

And for some people it maybe a cause for a fright

I don't blame them

Who wouldn't

Sometimes even I want to run away from myself

Pretend that I am someone else

But it doesn't work like that

I can't give up on myself

If I would

I wouldn't have anyone else

And everyone needs someone in their life

When the things get tough

When the nights are rough

When the past haunts you

When the future taunts you

When the day ends in night

When it's yourself who you fight

You need someone

To be with you

Through the thick and the thin

And everything in between

Through the dark to find the light

To untangle the past and see hope in the might

You need someone

It's hard

Especially when you are the only one you have

So there's not even a chance on giving up on yourself

And all you can do is pick yourself up

And hold yourself tight

Even when you are drowning in your own sorrows

Save yourself

Save yourself from the shadows

Because you are a fighter

Because you are a survivor

Don't give up on yourself yet

Don't give up because you need yourself the most

There's noone else who can understand your pain like you do

So fight

Fight hard

Fight until you make it

Fight until you prove it

Fight until you show the whole world that you are enough

That you got back up from everything that was meant to throw you down

And even if there was a frown

You are here

Because you are

A fighter

A survivor

ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE YOU MINE

I have tried and tried and tried

To be what you want

To keep aside my Chaos and mess

To give you the love that you deserve

To not overthink the small things

To not ruin everything

To not ask for more

To trust you with all my heart

To look forward and forget about the past

Even if it hurts I tried to smile

Even if it was too much I tried to hide

But u made me open up

You said I could trust

You said it was a must

I know I liked you first

I know I am the one who initiated stuffs

I know I tried more than you did

But was I the one to confess

Was I the one to say those 8 words

Was I the one who put more efforts in the beginning

Was I the one who developed feelings

Then y did you push me away when I started loving you too

Why did you start pulling back the moment I was all in

Why did you make me open up to you

Why did you see my scars just to use it as an excuse for your part

You knew I was too much

You knew how I hurt myself

You knew that I needed you more than you needed me

Then why did u make me feel that it was ok for me to expect it from you

Why did u give me hopes of us being something

When all you wanted was to leave me in between

Why did u come in my life

If you only wanted to leave

Why did u parted ways

When I got used to the idea of us

And in the end

I am to blame

For stuffs I did

And for stuffs I didn't

For all the times I tried

For all the times I didn't

You said you like it more when I initiate

You also said you would reciprocate

Then why was it that the whole time I was doing exactly what you said

I was the one to be blamed for that

You knew what pains me

You did exactly that

You ignored me knowing I would get hurt

You treated me like a stranger

You left me when I needed you the most

But still you can't be blamed

Because u were good to me

But can I hate you for giving up on me

It makes it easier to accept that you are not mine

To get familiar to the idea of not having you in my life

It's very difficult to see you ignore me

When all I can see when I look at you are your eyes

How you try your best to not look in mine

To not hold your hands

To not smile when I think of you

To not cry when I miss you

To leave the idea of us behind

To look forward to life knowing you won't be mine.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING

I don't know what I am feeling

I don't know what I am feeling

Every single second is depleting

And yet I am stuck with this feeling

The feeling of

Love

And of grief

The feeling of

Being broken

Yet on the path to heal

The feeling of

Numbness

And then feeling everything all at once

The feeling of

Pain

Yet keeping a smile on my face

The feeling of

Disgust

But still trying to adjust

The feeling of

Getting attached

And then being separated again

The feeling of

Life

Yet looking to die

The feeling of

Being surrounded by people

And still being alone at the same time

The feeling of

Exhaustion

But knowing you can't give up yet

The feeling of

Sadness

Even when you are laughing aloud

The feeling of

Getting up

When all you want to do is hide

The feeling of

Speaking

Even when your lips are tied

The feeling of

Shouting

Yet no one can understand a word that comes out of your mouth

The feeling of

Messing everything up

And waiting for a miracle to take place and suddenly everything will become alright

The feeling of

Going down the rabbit hole

When no one is there to guide you back up and you are left all by yourself

The feeling of

Helping others

And standing alone when you are in need of others

The feeling of

Running from your life

When all you want to do is standstill in a single moment and enjoy it's beauty

The feeling of

Being Understanding

Yet never the one who is understood

The feeling of

Getting used

But still not giving up on others

The feeling of

Always getting hurt

And still not saying a word

The feeling of

Hurting yourself

Even when you know there's already too many people doing the same to yourself

The feeling of

Not wanting to hurt yourself

But having no other way of calming down this overwhelming pain

The feeling of

Being stuck

And the world moving so fast

The feeling of

Wanting to burn yourself

And trying everything in your power to stop doing that

The feeling of

Lying in your bed

And crying yourself to sleep

The feeling of

Fighting with demons in your own head

And not letting anyone know the pain that comes with that

The feeling of

Fear

And still wanting to be strong enough taking it as a dare

The feeling of

Wanting to die

And not having the courage to comply

Because you still have some hope left

And you are looking forward to life.

DIE

Everywhere I go

I keep thinking of the same thing

How would it feel when I am not alive

When for the first time in my life

I will not have to think about every single thing

On repeat

I want this

Desperately

With all my soul

To finally have some peace

To live my life

With a smile on my face

And without any thought in my brain

Can you relate to it

Do you feel the same way

Do you also live with all your mistakes on repeat

All your worries echoing

Even when you seem quiet

It's not quite the same inside

It's all a mess

You can't even rest

I am fed up of all these tests

I don't want to be strong

I also want to be wrong

Let me live peacefully

Let me enjoy the good moments fully

Let me experience what it is to have your heart contented with all the love thoroughly

Cause I am scared

I am scared

If I am meant to die

Maybe everything keeps getting worse

Only to make me realise that I just need to jump

When I am being pushed to the edge

Again and again

Maybe all of it is not a test

Maybe it's just a decision

That I am too coward to take

Maybe all I have to do is give up

And for once in my life not fuck up

Am I right

Because nothing else seems to be alright

Help me cause I don't really wanna die.

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

Can't you see all the pain you have let me through

Can't you see how I distance myself

Can't you see the mess itself

Look at what u made me do

Can't you see the pain in my eyes

Can't you see the breaking of my voice

Can't you see the silent noise

Look at what u made me do

Can't you see me slowly killing myself

Can't you see how I look for escape

Can't you see the laugh I fake

Can't you see the tears

Can't you see the fears

Can't you see the stress

Can't you see that there's no escape

Look at what u made me do

Can't you see I have no hope

Can't you see that I am broke

Can't you see it's tough

Can't you see I have always had it rough

Can't you see I am by myself

Can't you see that I needed you

Can't you see that you made it worse

Can't you see that I am hopeless now

Look what you made me do

You only choose to see the darkness

The mess

The chaos

Not the rest

Not the bright shining light

Not the hell of a fight

Not the times I was right

Not the times when everything was bright

So here's where we part are ways

For I am not the one for someone that's delicate

For I have my battles

My fights

My longing nights

But don't u come back and put it on me

Don't you come back regretting everything you said

Because this is what you made me do!