Interview with Alison Lake

Whereas she acted out, I internalized everything and suffered invisibly. Later on I was involved in abusive relationships and sexual assault. It took a long time to heal from these compound wounds.

How did you cope at the time? 

I remember being eleven or twelve and begging God to not wake up in the morning. Every morning I would wake up so angry. This was complicated by a grandfather who told my sister and me that it was our duty to forgive him. I lost trust in my parents, who hadn’t protected me, and actively silenced me and I was alone; adrift in a world that was full of danger. I had no friends. I spent hours reading books, trying to escape into the pages. I also started writing poetry in fifth grade. In later years I started to use razors to cut my skin in an attempt to control what I was feeling. Thankfully, with the help of my now-husband, I ended that before permanent damage was done.

Is there a history of mental health in your family?

Yes, there is a history of depression in my family, but I am the only one with bipolar disorder. When I am in a depressive state everything seems so daunting and dark it is hard to find goodness anywhere. In mania, I often felt as if I was on the cusp of discovering how to save the world, if I could just understand the birds, or follow the fox or leaf men I saw in the street. I could not sleep, and my brain would jump from one idea to the next. I would feel happy, important, crucial even to the world during mania. I am sure that others perceive me as odd, or off in some way. It is still difficult for me to make friends.

What do you do to cope?

I have so many more coping mechanisms now. I have been on a medication regimen for twenty years, and that has saved my life. Writing is something that I have returned to after a number of years cut off from it. My husband and I experienced infertility and four heart-wrenching miscarriages, and during that time I could barely function. I felt the despair as a weight, blocking my throat, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with all of the emotions yet. Through therapy and a technique called EMDR, I have been able to work past the debilitating grief and mourn those children in a more constructive way. Even now, the state of the planet and its creatures causes me much sadness and anxiety. I worry for my daughter and her future children. I use breathing techniques and meditation, as well as poetry, therapy, and medication to get through the days and find joy and wonder in simple things.

Is there anyone in your life that has helped you?

My parents never gave up on me and came to understand their role in my disease when I was hospitalized in a mental institution. Their willingness to admit their mistakes and their commitment to my recovery helped me get to a place where I met my husband. He was integral in my recovery, as he gave me the love I had so longed for. My cat, Belladonna, was with me for every miscarriage, purring and laying against my belly. The birth of my daughter, while fraught with its own problems, has allowed me to view the world from the eyes of a child unaffected by trauma, a great gift indeed.

My recovery has been one small step at a time, with some backsliding. I am constantly trying to maintain evenness in things and I am learning every day how to grow and become a more well-adjusted individual.

What help and advice can you give others going through the same challenges?

I would say that medication, therapy, writing, and the support of those around you is crucial to being able to survive painful experiences and mental illness. Even in our darkest times, we only have to push through the dirt to get to the light. It may seem impossible, that you can only focus on one breath at a time, but that one breath turns into the next, and the next and each one is filling you with the strength for the one to come. For me, putting my thoughts on paper in the form of poetry helps me to bear the joy and the suffering of life and to fully be able to embrace it. 

When did you start using poetry to help you?

I have been writing poems since I first learned that they existed. My childhood poems were full of unicorns and different, perfect, safe worlds. I think I was called to poetry because it can so easily encapsulate a specific emotion or event and its brevity allows for a fullness of meaning and emotion.

What is your writing process?

As a stay-at-home mother, I spend a fair bit of my day meeting others’ needs. I don’t write every day; I don’t have that luxury. Instead, I keep index cards in various places, like my car, my purse, my desk. As little snippets come to me, I write them down. Sometimes I am blessed and the words come out of the air, as if whispered by a muse, and the whole poem is done at once and is complete. Most of the time, I tinker with phrasing in my head or on a notebook page. I write wherever I am at the moment, but I always come back to my computer in our living room, looking out on the woods behind our house to set it down in a document. I often do this when my daughter is at school, in the middle of the day.

Have you had any poetry published?

I was very leery about publishing my poems for a long time, but with the encouragement of my therapist and poetry mentor, I submitted some work that I thought might help others and it was accepted. I have two poems published in Dear Survivor: Reclaim the Light, an anthology of poetry and art from survivors of sexual abuse and assault, as well as a few poems published in the April 2024 issue of Poetry for Mental Health Magazine.

How could other people benefit from writing poetry?

For me, poetry has saved my life and allowed me to really dig into and understand my thoughts and reactions to specific moments in my life. It has also given me the chance to see all the beauty and wonder that still exist for us on this imperiled Earth of ours, if we but take the time to notice it. I think others could really benefit if they took the time to write and get their emotions and experiences out on paper. I also recommend not trying to write with a goal in mind, like fame or publication. Not many people can make a living off of poetry, and even famous poets struggle. The true essence of poetry lies in the feelings and words and the benefit comes from just getting it out of your body and onto the page.