Featured Poet - Hilary Canto
I AM NOT MY MIND
Born into a world, innocent and free
every experience carved into my brain
conditioned, educated, influenced, persuaded
now I do not know who I am
each acceptance of me a worldly lie
based on a face the world wants to see
inner screams, but this isn’t me!
Turmoil unravels at lightning speed
blood flows fast through capillaries
flushing the surface mind
others think is me
the iceberg revealed, under the ocean
deeper mind stable, solid foundation
who I am is not what’s before them
My mind isn’t from
the teachings of books
nor how presented parts of me look
the me no one else can see
lies buried inside, below the labyrinth,
pure fire of truth in a sacred space
eternal flame, where heart Knows who I am
My sanctuary, restful, peaceful
protects from a world destroying souls
with cruel psychological, mental goals
erasing conditioned and influenced mind
brings flashes of light
simple, yet feared
stillness reveals the deep mind revered
Gone the mind society wanted
real mind transformed, transplanted
Uncovering true mind,
not the scam
through darkened hours to blinding light
journey tough, challenging fight
stillness became my friend
Crippled surface mind now healed
learned its place, gave up controlling a hellish mind
heart joined head in loving unison
surface mind not lost, lonely
now certain, fearless, strong, whole
mission unfolding to serve, contribute
the deep Knowing mind directs who I am.
ABOUT THE POEM: Our minds are complex because we are part of a collective mind which influences us constantly. From birth to death, we have to learn to filter our experiences and use them to help others. However dark our lives are, or have been, if we hold onto our inner light, we can become who we truly are and stand strong within this world. It takes courage and focus to still a complex mind intent on dragging us down, but it is not impossible. This poem is a reminder of our true mind that loves, protects, and guides us if we will only still our surface chatter and hear.
NO MANS LAND
Chronic Fatigue is that all it is? Named disease, total misnomer
bedbound, housebound, never more, outward bound.
hidden inside, invisible outside, exhausted, depressed, cramps
nerves fired; others say - they are tired
little do they understand, complete fatigue, no man’s land.
Restless nights, suffering days, unable to walk, mobility aids
standing, seconds later, jelly legs, giving way
spasms, sweats, flushes, dizzy, pain all over, blood rushing
must sit down, must raise legs, today must stay in bed
noise, lights, cannot cope, conversation, no hope, M.E. no man’s land.
Phone call, not a chance, head and body in chaos of biology, physiology
digestive syndromes, red eye blurred, pained, irritable, anxious
words won’t come, memories gone,
not even tests, investigations, scopes nor scans
help medics understand, M.E no man’s land.
Social life, you are joking, shower, travel, major undertaking
energy to even eat, wash, dress, stay in - best thing
confined in bedroom, isolation now the inspiration
computer, TV, just a little, too much tech a danger zone
flip, flare, body wreck, pacing, never racing, M.E no man’s land.
Deep inside, finding freedom,
no one Knows, the infinite web
place of light, inner peace, creative sparks, love unleashed
powerful words, art, songs, poetry speak, writing flowing
Maybe someone will understand, M.E no man’s land.
ABOUT THE POEM: How the disease M.E/CFS affects the mind, body, spirit in so many ways, losing all of who you are is like little deaths each day. Few understand the devastation of the illness but out of the negatives can come positives.
IDEALISM
I wanted her to be the sweet, perfect mother - If only
He was to me the most loving father - If only
My childhood didn’t seem so bad - If only
Money would make my life complete - If only
Dreams fulfilled, icing on the cake - If only
A world in peace, more loving, more caring - If only
No violence, no killing, no reasons for crime - If only
All living creatures honoured and loved - If only
Human kindness prevailing - If only
Our beautiful planet flourishing - If only
Living simply, united, sharing - If only
Accepting reality, creating a new future - If only
ABOUT THE POEM: Looking back across my life and the bigger picture, it seems idealism fails us. The ability of humans to harm, abuse and destroy life of any kind in our world brings me to tears, affecting my mental health more than anything. ‘If only’ refers to all the possible scenarios and letting go of idealism, accepting my reality, and where we are collectively with an uncertain future.
ROBINS SONG
Sweet song
one small birds’ voice
beautiful red breast, beak wide open
sings full on, dusk and dawn
musical air waves travel through mind
weightless as an astronaut
stirring dark matter
moving depressive, confused thought
storm clouds gather
heavy on mind
voice of Robin
soothes, unwinds
empties mind
cleans out blackness
light shines in window
restores happiness
one birds voice
sweetest notes
grey clouds gone
returns joy and hope
ABOUT THE POEM: Birds are my daily inspiration to balance my mental health. Confined to the house for most of the time, I delight in watching them play out their lives. Yet the song of the Robin has the most powerful effect, there at dawn and dusk. Robins only live for about 2 years, so they live life to the full before they die. Their gift of song and their short full life whatever the weather, is a daily reminder that wherever my mind is, there is joy, there is hope, and each song is a gift of a new beginning if I just let the dark clouds pass over.
BABY BRO
10 years younger, beautiful brother
cared for like a mum
the eldest of three
responsibility was put on me
mum and dad working
I took time off school
to care for him, bottle feeds,
changing and soaking nappies, solution in a bin
Our childhoods weren’t perfect
honestly - whose ever are?
mum suffered, depression
threatening to stick her head, in the gas oven
we all got through, it wasn’t easy
growing up troubles, always there
my sister later, took up the care
then, the shock, his death, made us fully aware
I’d left home to try to show
my siblings could find a better life
little did I realise when I left them alone
they would suffer even more strife
dad had known a violent father
he’d never hurt me but after I left
beatings went
to my sister and brother
Mum was emotionally, mentally abusive
many years later I would understand
yet the biggest shock came when baby bro
took his life, spat out his blame
he was angry, he hurt , a secret came out
aimed at me, there was no doubt
my friend he said, an issue deep down
such a young age, trust violated in our home
After the closeness we had
I was hurt he’d never said
just a bitter suicide note
left to circle in my head
he never talked, bottled it up
was gifted, handsome, worked so hard
his dreams just all a broken trail
each sealed his fate thinking he’d failed
Always a smile, always a joke
he could light up a room, he kept taking the coke
death by suicide, alcohol, cocaine
my baby bro now free of his pain
when a loved one chooses to leave this life
whatever they’ve done pain carries on
grief, questions, never ending
hearts broken, so much mending
Grief stripped me bare when I lost my baby daughter
now baby bro’s body, lifeless, in a corner
I held onto the gift that I know would appear
not right then, later it will be clear
I thank God he wasn’t done over
by drug gangs or violence, he’d been beaten up once
51 years, little to show of his life
‘cept a tenner in his pocket, our grief stricken minds
He’s free of his troubles, his broken dreams
I wish he’d remembered how much we all loved him
as I write, read and understand more
I know there’s no way we’d have stopped his inner war
now at peace my baby bro
forever loved, always will be
always together
eternally part of me.
ABOUT THE POEM: My brother hung himself June 5th 2023 at 51 years old. He had so much to give to the world, he’d helped others, but the darkness in his mind overshadowed his inner light. He went into a spiral he couldn’t climb back from. Around him was so much love and support, but it wasn’t enough to rid his demons inside. The poem is a mix of memories, grief, and the journey of losing him but knowing we are always together.
ABOUT HILARY
“My background in Complementary Medicine led me to focus on helping people with Distant Healing & Spiritual Teaching which is now being expressed through writing. Over the years I have been drawn to mental health issues after experiencing emotional/mental neglect from my mother, living with M.E., an isolating illness, and then the suicide of my younger brother in 2023. Sometimes I draw upon the experiences of past clients in my poetry, but primarily our planetary situation troubles me deeply, so I explore the connection of mental health and spirituality too.”
