Interview with Hilary Canto

Can you identify how and when they first started?

I think when a child due to a poor relationship with my mother where I couldn’t cope with the tension in the house, noise and TV, and would go to my room for peace and to get away from it all. My father was a successful singer, and I learned the power of music which sees me through my darkest hours. Eventually I understood mum was jealous of my relationship with my father in our shared love of music, and their marriage was troubled. I became a musician, singer, sound healer and voice coach, but early experiences in the music industry which would now be considered abusive affected my mental health profoundly.

My mum would humiliate me, pull me down verbally, yet I looked after the house, my baby brother and cooked for the family, eventually going to work to pay the mortgage for a while, until I broke away and left home. She would pit my younger sister against me, making me feel I was not pretty, or too fat, and I saw my sister as her favourite. My mother also interfered in all my relationships which ended because of her behaviour and acerbic words. My husband was the only one who stood up to her and is my rock. She died in 2010, and finally admitted the jealousy before she passed - even in her final months she still humiliated me in front of people in hospital who were quite upset themselves witnessing it. I now understand she was what would be called Bi-Polar in today’s terminology, she had massive manic-depressive moods and could be very nasty. 

Dad had come from an abusive home life, having left as a 14-year-old due to drink and physical violence in the home from his father. He never hit me because of the music connection as I supported him playing organ/keyboard, but he always made me feel I was never good enough. He did hit my sister and brother after I left home which I did to get away from it all and did not understand the deep effects this homelife cast on all of us until my brother died.

Has a specific life event, trigger, or experience contributed to your condition?

My mental health issues began with my unhappy childhood, emotional neglect, humiliation, rejection and believing I was not good enough. It was when I worked for a children’s charity 14 years ago this realisation dawned. However, the medical examination experience I had when I was 101/2 years old locked into my subconscious, and in my early adult life I had sexually-based experiences I didn’t know how to handle, which deeply affected love relationships. In 1998 I lost a baby which took me into severe depression, and in 2004 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which has been superseded with a diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalitis (M.E). In 2023 my brother committed suicide which further confirmed the reality of the childhood we had all suffered and broke the last links of family ties. I had eventually cut off from my family in order to cope. and was close to my brother when young, but this tragedy upset me greatly making me question if I should have left home, if I could have done something to help him in his life; then realising that only he could have saved himself. There have been events, triggers, and experiences throughout my whole life which tip me into darkness. As I have healed I have realised that my mother and the medical/music industry experiences were the most marked in affecting me, but losing my baby and my brother, on top of my health diagnoses, really tipped me into a much deeper place.

How did you feel and cope?

When I lost my baby I felt empty and desolate, I didn’t want to live, I had no interest in the world anymore, and I was very very low, lacking in self-worth. I had accepted my mother’s influence and largely dealt with that by then. My feelings now come as waves of crying, dark moods; sometimes I feel I don’t want to live, but I have never tipped into attempted suicide, and seeing my brother with a noose around his neck really brought home to me that I don’t have the courage to take my own life. I seem to have a coping mechanism to just get on with things as they occur, but they do hit me afterwards and I get dark depressions - but not so severe as to be medicated ... because I don’t want to be medicated. I have learned to use natural healing to get me through after embarking upon my own healing and training to help others, so I always find a way back out of the dark thoughts and feelings, and use music or go into nature. I also have to be alone, because I cannot cope with noise and people fussing around me - that makes me worse, agitated, and angry. I have started to recognise the difference between irrational thoughts in my mind and my inner knowing, which helps me climb out when I am allowed the space to be quiet. Other people cannot see inside my mind.

Do you think there may be a hereditary aspect, and how do you feel about your condition? 

Now I finally have the ME diagnosis and have been taking part in the world’s first genetic study of ME, it is looking like there is a genetic component to the illness which includes depression. I also recognise I have had this all my life. When I look back at mum, I now think she may have had the illness too, as she had a lot of similarities in how it affects energy, mood and behaviour. The way I feel about my condition now is that I have to live with it, and I have to get on with life the best way I can. Whilst I know there are support mechanisms for depression, there are none for ME, and not just myself but the whole ME community have to manage alone due to medical ignorance, lack of research and lack of understanding in how to help us. I do have dark times over how the illness has robbed me of my life, and those dark times are deep sadness at the losses of what was a normal healthy life, apart from the deep sadness I feel around childhood, the loss of my baby and brother and former broken relationships. It is a sadness knowing it could have been so different, but the experiences have also shaped my life with wisdom to help others.

How do you perceive the world around you (when you are going through these challenges), and how do you think the world perceives you?

I find the world a dark place of violence, intolerance, lacking humanity, selfish, controlling, manipulating and unhelpful, only interested in self-aggrandizement and intent on destroying what is beautiful and the best of humanity as it continues on its self-destructive path with technology overload, environmental destruction, conflict, and war. Help offered is usually based on the ideology of what people think you want and not what you actually need. I find many so-called solutions in the world anti-human rather than supportive. Therefore, the world cannot truly perceive me because I am hidden being mainly housebound/bedbound, I do not use social media - for safety and privacy reasons, and the stress of it. People do not understand how draining and stressful the computer and social media is, and how it influences the mental state. For a job I did, I spent 7-8 hours a day, 7 days a week on it and it nearly killed me! My illness now prevents me from mixing and going out because I cannot cope, and within minutes my brain goes into confusion; the noise and lights are too much, and again people do not understand, so I am perceived through ignorance of my illness measured against what society thinks is normal. I am involved in a project with photos and captions of people with ME to be made into a film or book, which shows the devastation to peoples lives by this illness, and how we are all hidden away, forgotten by society and the medical profession. No one can perceive this isolating and destructive life sentence.

What do you do to cope and get through difficult times?

I have learned to understand what is normal and good for me, and reject the society normal because it is actually abnormal to the human condition. I face my thoughts, feelings, circumstances however bad they appear, and make myself remember that I have had good times and a purpose for being here with people who love and need me. Basically, I talk to myself with my inner voice. I have a close friend who communicates with me by email and supports me, as well as my husband. I also have clients who come to me for healing which takes the emphasis away from wallowing on myself and helping another person. I also have a dog who needs me and brings me joy, along with feeding the birds in my garden, and taking the time to observe their antics - which bring me joy.

I have found that I am down the most when I think I have no purpose or direction, and recognise that idealistic thoughts only increase my disappointment and heartbreak. I listen to music and journal to express how I feel, and release it from my mindset. Then I rip it up and burn it as a symbolic way of clearing and transforming the negativity of my life. This allows space for joy to return. I nurture myself with a nice bath, light candles, listen to music, watch a travel programme on TV, or a programme I really like and can switch off with, or laugh with, buy myself flowers, have a beauty night, eat some nice food and a chocolate treat. The best thing is to nurture me, let the tears flow, be in peace with myself, go out into the garden and feel the wind, rain or sun and watch the birds. (I can’t go out to woods, parks or even the seaside where I live now unless I use my mobility scooter which on rainy days is no fun). I dig into all the things that I know make me happy to lift me out of the black hole. My husband is good at making me laugh and breaking the black hole, but what I have learned most in my journey so far with life, is that only I can lift myself out and back into engagement with the world. There is no one else that can do it, so I do not rely on another person to lift me out. Now I engage on my terms for my mental health, and I avoid all technological influences and social media which damage my self-relationship, and only cause me great distress trying to live in an unreal online world. I find technology sucks the life out of me and leaves me very fatigued, headachy and contributes to my depression, so I do not use a mobile phone with loads of apps, and I limit my laptop and TV time. This allows me to keep positive more often and I find reading a book takes the strain off my eyes. I also mute TV ads between programmes, and don’t hook into any sales and marketing ads, or reality shows. I have taken back control of my life in my own space and when I do interact with the outside world, I can do so from a calmer, steadier, happier place. 

Was there a catalyst in your recovery?

I took the step to healing when I was at rock bottom with my health and relationships having had a nervous breakdown just as I met my husband. I turned my physical and mental wellbeing around with natural nutrition, which then began the journey of reclaiming my spiritual essence. My daily spiritual practice of 'Steps to Knowledge' has helped me so much to manage to do this, and realise that what others and the world sells and tells me I am, is not who I really am. This has had a profound effect on healing my mental wellbeing, and learning the deeper healing from the inner mind and spirit.

What help and advice can you give others going through the same challenges?

Everybody is unique with each challenge being unique to the individual experiencing it. This is what shapes us, the journey of experience we make whilst here on earth which brings wisdom to the soul, heals us, and can help others in a similar place. One thing that doesn’t get talked about much in our society is the fact we are spiritual beings, and it is the longing for home which causes us to try to escape negative and horrific experiences we go through. In those hours of darkness, no matter how low, no matter how empty and desolate we feel, if we can remember we are beings of love and are loved so much, even if we do not think so in our situation, confusion, isolation and despair, our life is a gift in this world.

We are here to learn that helping ourselves and helping others in whatever small way we can, is the reason to be here and to live! To give, to help, to heal, to learn wisdom, and to know that in the emptiest of places inside is the real space where our spiritual essence is free to grow strong, to give us joy, freedom, and help us live the life we are meant to live.

There are many aspects to love, some close to us may give us experiences we don’t think are loving, but these are experiences to teach us about the true nature of love, and above all else for us to be true to our self and love ourselves first. If we don’t do that, we cannot know the love of another nor receive that love in its most beautiful form from someone we love.

I find the world dark as we implode as a race, but I also see the great light and love in the most beautiful beings which have no equal on this planet. We are all magnificent beings who Know the deepest love, the spiritual essence of the source of all life within us. I opened to that, I opened my heart, I felt a broken heart come back together and heal my pain, I forgave those who hurt me, and I recognised we all have a unique path to take, and our experiences are part of that. I also turned away from technology control in my life, and constant news invasion and marketing invasion so that I could come back to who I am, not what the world says I should be.

When we eventually naturally leave this world, it should be because we gave of ourselves to the best of our ability by healing and helping others. Escaping the world and shortening our lives before we have fulfilled our true potential is such a deep sadness and loss to everyone left behind. This loss never really goes away because we are all interconnected in a greater reality, so when we hurt ourselves we hurt everyone, and everything connected with us. My brother was so talented, good looking, hard-working, and to lose him was such a great light snuffed out too soon, leaving a big hole in my life and my sisters' and others who loved him.

There are horrendous actions and psychological manipulations done by humans to humans, plus challenging dark thoughts in our minds which harm us, yet if we can just catch that flicker of light through the dark and hold onto it, we shift and climb out of the pit of despair, whether it is a helping hand from a friend, or an inner switch, let the switch turn on the light, not turn it off. All are missed in this world, and all have gifts being given right now no matter their circumstances. Remember you are special, and you are loved more than you can ever imagine; here and beyond, and your life is worthwhile and worth celebrating!

When did you start using poetry to help you?

I liked reading poetry when I was young especially Shakespeare’s Sonnets, and through my life from time to time I would write a few words to express something, but it was after I lost my baby that words started coming to heal my loss and pain. The loss of my baby girl was expressed in the first song I wrote, and from then on, poems, chants and songs came. When I was walking in nature words would flow through me and I had to rush to write them down when I got home, repeating them over and again to remember them. I would then look at them to see what they were expressing and what was coming through and how much better I felt after writing and reading them. Then I would sing them, and put a tune to some of them as well. My song writing had a poetic base which reminded me of my father’s writings. The words would come to me with music and made me happy as I had always wanted to write songs but believed I couldn’t. This new expression helped me step up into a more positive and confident me after writing a song to my baby daughter.

Why poetry?

Due to my illness, I can no longer write songs, nor sing, and put them together, but I can write poetry which kick-started after a lull when my brother died, and has been flowing for me since, because I have been feeling down about losing him, and the effects of my illness on the loss of the life I once enjoyed. The poetry helps me express my thoughts and feelings about personal things, but also about the condition of the world now upsetting me very deeply and can tip me into dark moments around the state of humanity, the planet and the rise of dangerous technology contributing to mental health issues.

What is your writing process - from that initial idea, thought or feeling, to actual words on paper?

The poem will just arrive most of the time, but can build up as thoughts and feelings - swirl around my mind then, feeling a need to express them, I go straight to the computer. But sometimes I will grab a piece of paper and write on that. No formal process, I let the words flow, and later I go back to see if they make sense or need tweaking in any way, or reformatting the poem. The best poems come through without me thinking of them; I am only a vehicle of expression for the words that need to be voiced.

Where do you like to write and when?

I am bedbound a lot, so sitting in bed with my laptop in the quiet is where I usually write, and it's more often afternoon, but sometimes I will wake in the night and write, or wake early in the morning. I write when the direction to write arrives, it’s not 'I must sit and write a poem', it’s a feeling that I must express something, and I go with that flow.

Have you had any poetry published, if so where and when?

My first publication of a poem was for Global Love Day 2017, and I was thrilled. I then submitted again in 2023 and won again. Poetry for Mental Health has published poems online, and Lothlorien Journal published two this year. However, I am not writing for publishing, I have decided to write to heal myself and others.

How could other people benefit from writing poetry?

Many people don’t like journalling or keeping a diary, so poetry helps release thoughts, feelings that need to be expressed but may not be able to be done verbally. It allows a release of emotion, and a story to tell ... however it comes out. The beauty of poetry today is that it doesn’t have to follow a set form and can be free-flowing, or can be put into verse, rhyme, or whatever way the writer feels works for them. Writing is the inner voice speaking out for people who don’t think they are heard, or have a voice, poetry provides the platform to voice fears, anxieties, thoughts, emotions, experiences, observations, so much to express and to help heal self. Because it is an expression of mind and will, poetry helps mental health healing with the magic of inner communication and expression, giving freedom of expression to tell the world, let it go, and heal. It is a loving act of healing self through the power of sound in words. There is no greater healer than the inner voice. I encourage everyone to write poetry and free their voice.