Interview with Kelly Maida

That day, when I got home from work, he immediately started arguing with me about anything and everything; even about social media and people that I didn’t even know! I told him that I just wanted to go to my room and sit down. He chased me up the stairs to my room and kicked in the bedroom door, and then the bathroom door, and attacked me, beat me, and then when he was done, he went to get a knife. And that is when I summoned all the energy I could to leave him. After that he harassed me, and had people tell me he should of finished me off. It was a nightmare for awhile. He was a bully. I honestly thought being hit was a normal part of life until 2019 when I underwent intense therapy. They told me how toxic my whole life was. And since then therapists have been helping me rewire my brain and unlearn everything that I was taught; I never knew how our brains can store all of this information in our subconscious. 

Does anything still trigger your anxiety?

Yes, I do still get triggered if anyone yells. It makes me nervous. In fact I really get triggered with loud noises, I won’t be around them now, and I won’t be around anyone that yells. 

How did you cope when you were younger?

When I was younger I used to cope by praying or trying to ask others for help. I would also make up imaginary worlds and picture my life completely differently. I did that so much that I believe that is how I got into writing. I remember writing in high-school. But I think I was younger than that, because I remember always day-dreaming and imagining living a better life, and picturing someone coming in to rescue me from the hell that I was in. However, as I turned 12, I turned to alcohol to cope. I felt it gave me a buzz and helped me get out of my sadness and anxiety. I do remember drinking before that though, and sneaking alcohol, but at 12 I became a steady drinker. I had depression at a young age too, and drinking made my depression worse. At 17, I was officially diagnosed with depression and went into rehab for the first time. I knew I needed help - I couldn't take my life any more. I was almost raped at this time too when drinking friends left me with a stranger. He put a knife to my throat, but thank god he didn't hurt me, but I had bruises all over my body. I knew then that I didn't have any real friends, just drinking friends. 

Did rehab help?

Yes, rehab helped ... temporarily. However I continued to drink and was an active addict until about nine years ago. Then I started to attend an outpatient clinic and it really helped, and I have been sober since.

How is your recovery going now?

I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel - I always thought I was so damaged beyond repair, but with all the years that I have received counselling, I am starting to see many improvements. I do not have panic attacks anymore - at one point I used to get them almost daily - and I do not have the severe flashbacks of my attackers now either. And ever since I started going to a psychotherapist, I feel I’m making more progress at a rapid rate. In fact my therapist was the one who pointed out all of the huge changes that I have made in my life. 

How do you see the world around you now?

I used to see the world as a scary place, but now I see limitless possibilities, and me making better choices in my life, and showing myself compassion. I used to be so extremely hard on myself too - and I still can be - but now I show compassion and tell myself I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had back then. And I can trust myself to make better choices now too. Not everyone is the same, but it is okay to be alone and to really heal yourself - I feel it should be a must for everyone going through traumatic things; it takes time to heal, but to also really get to know yourself. I have found we are all wounded, and the whole world has experienced some form of trauma. We all walk around wounded and do not realize it until something significant happens. And then we have to get help. 

What advice do you have for other people going through significant mental health challenges?

I would say your never alone. I always used to feel alone until I became friends with myself. I think we feel alone when we don’t know ourselves. You have to sit with yourself, alone, and ask yourself deep questions. Unbury everything and sit with it. Once you start really making contact with all parts of yourself, you won’t feel alone. Also don’t be afraid to get help. Counselling and rehab is what saved me. Sometimes I had to switch counsellors to find the right one but that's okay because it’s your health and well being that's the most important thing. Do what is right for you. Don’t give up because things will get better. The more you keep trying and the more effort you put in does pay off. Don’t be afraid to cut out toxic people of your life either. Listen to yourself; you alone know what is right for you. There are people out their that want to help you.

Do you find writing helps?

Yes ... I highly recommend writing! Writing has also truly saved my life. I learned how to journal and write my feelings down. I turned a lot of what was in my head into words which became poetry, or short stories, or books. Writing is a way to release everything on your mind; it is very healing and therapeutic. There is always something to write about. I remember as a teenager I was very inspired by Jim Morrison and Edgar Allen Poe. The depths and emotions that they provoke. They are my inspirations. I love how they write about their challenges, and also the love they have had. Writing takes you to another world; another world that you create for yourself. It pulls us out of darkness and into the light. It is a beacon of hope for others as well. I have been inspired by so many writers. Writing is a way we can pass along hope and healing. Writing has pulled me out of dark places. It has created my own private world of hope and courage. Writing really helps you get in touch with your feelings. I feel that through the years, a lot of mental health providers that I have met always talk about writing as therapy, or being creative in some form. Through the years I would take writing courses that I found helpful. I loved a creative writing course that I took six years ago. It was so much fun and I started writing many short stories while I was in that class. It was truly inspirational.

What inspires you to write?

My writing process varies and I never know when I can be inspired. Sometimes it’s in nature or just by hearing something, or a thought comes to mind. Sometimes when I’m upset I try to write about it because that helps me solve problems. I sometimes get inspired by my dreams too and I have a dream journal where I write my dreams ... when I remember them!

Do you have a writing process?

I write at all different hours; I don’t have a set time. I do try to write daily though and have created a YouTube channel called Kelly’s magical realm where I put all my writing. I also do poetry readings, where I read my poetry in a soothing voice. Sometimes I add music to my writing too. I also put my stories on there. 

Have you published any of your work?

Yes, I have published a number of books including: The inner workings of my soul, The Alchemy within my soul, The Magic within my soul and Only on a full moon. I have also written a few children’s books too. I am an independent artist. I have done everything on my own. 

How can writing and poetry help others?

I feel everyone can benefit from writing poetry. It is therapeutic. I sometimes feel like a mad scientist and I am inventing a new Frankenstein. Writers constantly give birth to new life; resurrecting words or situations that you were thought were dead, or bringing new things to life. We create a door that wasn’t there before. Writing gives meaning to your life. It helps you find a sense of purpose; a reason for being here, helping you create a new world. The reason you felt lost or you didn’t fit in is because you're creating a new way of living. We are all unique. It’s our unique qualities that make us beautiful. Writing has saved me. Words I write are like air to me; they help me breath again. You can write a whole new story for yourself - create a better world just by picking up a pen. I was told by several people that I am alchemist. I transmute negative situations into positive ones. And that is what writing can do. We can talk about terrible experiences, and then say how we turned it around, how we healed, or how we handle things. But in writing we can be anything that we want to be. It is limitless. And that is the power of writing. It is supernatural and has power beyond our comprehension. It makes people immortal after death. Their words live on, as well as their memories.