Howa Ramadan

MY JOURNEY

By Howa Ramadan

I am 36 years old, and my story starts of one that is filled with sexual abuse, bereavement, trauma, and later life became complete chaos. From the age of 8, to 11, I was sexually abused. At 12 I lost my dad of an aneurysm, in front of me. At age 13 years old I discovered drinking to block out the abuse and grief. Alcohol numbed me; it numbed all the pain and hurt. I was always knew, growing up, that something wasn't quite right with me; I was always in and out of trouble with the police, and struggling with my demons. At aged just 18 I went to Holloway prison where I was diagnosed with bipolar. In 2012, I was also diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally unstable personality disorder). In 2023, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and drug induced psychosis. My teenage and adult years have been complete and utter chaos, this is also because of my addictions to drugs and alcohol. I struggle with emotional instability, anger, abandonment, rejection, attachment. but mainly relationship issues. I have never had, what I would class as a stable relationship; they have always been violent - whether physically or verbally. Growing up I had severe suicidal tendencies, and have attempted suicide by overdose numerous times - twice ended up on life support and being induced into a coma.

In 2016, I awoke from a coma and was sectioned under the mental health act, Section 3 - something that has happened numerous times, but this time I was detained for 17 months in a PD (Personality Disorder) unit to get the help I needed. In the PD unit I realised that I was not a binge drinker - an excuse I'd used for such a long time. I was in fact an addict to alcohol and cocaine. I started speaking out more, and received support from AA and CA meetings. I decided I wanted to remain sober, and when I was discharged I remained sober for two and a half years in total.


Since then things have been up and down; I have been in and out of addiction, and am currently early in recovery. Addiction has lost me a lot of things; my family, friends, homes, a baby ... but most of all my sanity. Addiction rips everything from under your feet; everything evaporates from around you so quickly. Alcohol was always my main crutch, but cocaine played a part that took me to places I have never been before, and as a result I was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis - something that still gives me shivers to this day. It is truly petrifying.


Unless you go through mental health and addiction yourself, it can be hard to understand and be compassionate and empathetic about it. People say it is a choice; let me tell you being an addict is not a choice - whether we pick up a drink is a choice, but being an addict, NO. 


Mental health is a very hard thing to live with; you never know from day to day what mood your going to wake up in - whether your going to even get up washed and dressed for the day, or whether your going to be bouncing off the walls being impulsive, manic and self-destructive.


Currently I am in 24/7 supported care; my hours will get reduced when I become more stable. I work voluntary as a peer support worker, and I'm a studying for a forensic psychology degree, and am half way through it. I am also in the process of re-applying for my driving licence - I lost it due to my mental health. I enjoy going to the gym. I love poetry, (which has been featured on the Poetry for Mental Health website - click here). Poetry is a great way of expressing those feelings, and getting your pain out on paper. I take regular medication which includes an anti-psychotic injection once a month which helps keep me stable and reduce the paranoia. And I still attend AA and CA meetings, when I can and have a sponsor.


Life chucks so many obstacles at us; we never know what is around the corner, but what I have learned is that the best thing you can do is to share your feelings, and talk, and speak out. A problem shared is a problem halved. If you find it hard to speak up - which I do at times - maybe get a journal or diary and write them down. I also swear by fitness; I have felt the best I have ever felt when I am training - it is good for them endorphins. Studying and volunteering is also good, as it gives you a sense of purpose and confidence which we lose with poor mental health.


I've lost a lot of things due to my addictions and poor mental health but my goals now are to fight back. My plans are to complete my degree and work full time - baby steps, one step at a time is the way forward. Never try to look too far into the future, or too far in the past - just concentrate on the here and now.


TIK TOK @howa.ayesha

Facebook: @howa ayesha ramadan


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