Thank you for taking time out to talk to us Traci. Tell me more about your mental health challenges. 

I struggled with anxiety a lot as a teenager and in my twenties. I desperately wanted love and acceptance. I am able to function better by consistency. I got diagnosed with ADHD and autism on October 19, 2023 at 34. I realized a lot of my anxiety stemmed from how I process things and my childlike behavior. My autism is super basic like a child, and my ADHD is hyperactive. 

I always stood out among my peers by how I looked physically and how I thought mentally. In middle school, I got picked on for my appearance. The girls were more developed than I was. I was an easy target to be bullied. The bullying was so bad that I attempted suicide several times at 13.

High school was a dream come true for me. My dad was a teacher at the same school. I had a place of escape from drama. I was not picked on as much because he was there. My undergrad college years were not as bad either. I had friends and freedom to learn myself a little bit better. After college, things took a dramatic turn for my mental health.

I did not maintain a lot of friendships post college, since a lot of them were males. I knew I eventually wanted to settle down in marriage. I knew I could not have those guy friends if I wanted to be serious with one guy. My female relationships were like money. They came and they went. Although I masked my simple brain for 34 years, around intellectual females, it was noticeable and so was my made-up mindset.

With my autism, I have to constantly ask questions to understand things. During school years, this was not an issue. Teachers were not bothered by me asking questions. As an adult, it became a huge problem. I could not knock out tasks on the jobs I worked for direct, detailed instructions. Management staff and co-workers would view me strangely when I did not comprehend things the way they did. This led to me having meltdowns where I would snap on them or cry a lot. I would also get sick to my stomach, especially at my “womanly time”. 

My made-up mindset caused issues as well. I like what I like and what I do not like, there is no changing my mind. My mind is so strong willed to the point if someone tries to push or sway me to think differently, I get really firm. This is my ADHD. It can be an emotional rollercoaster similar to a child trying to grasp feelings. When I am happy, I am happy times ten, but if I get angry, then my anger is times ten. Over the years, I had to learn how to keep my anger under control.

Has your anxiety stemmed from specific triggers or experiences?

At age 16, I was in a domestic violent relationship with a male. This caused me to have more anxiety towards guys, but I was still gullible by having the mindset of a child. I took more risks when I got to college. Wanting love and acceptance led me to make some poor choices. I started partying a lot and having sex with different men. 

By 20, I met a guy at a fraternity party. I built trust with him. He would end up raping me in my college dorm. This event took my anxiety to a deeper level of body shock. I was more cautious about where I went and who I went out with. I did not trust a guy to respect my decision to say ‘no’, if he made me feel pressured in any way to have sex. 

Besides my male anxieties, I kept experiencing job anxieties too. I did not have supervisors or managers who were patient enough with me. I am neuro-divergent, but I did not know it when I was working the regular 9 to 5 job. It was super hard for me to function. When a job got too stressful for me, I quit. I could not bear being there and had to move on. I never stayed on a job for more than two years. I had a total of 20 jobs for 15 years. My panic attacks and meltdowns were so severe, I would have to take off work or leave work earlier once I got overwhelmed. 

How did you cope at the time? 

I felt so alone during my youth traumas like I was not worthy of love. I drew to poetry and my faith in God at the time. I started writing at five years old and had so many fond memories of church as a child. Since I retained a lot of information I learned in childhood from constant repetition, I reverted to what I knew best. 

I consumed these things as food to my soul. I wrote a lot of poetry during my traumas. It was a way to release the pain and be free from them. I prayed and vented to God when I did not understand the ‘why’ behind my experiences. Poetry and God reminded me to be thankful for the good in my life. Bad things will happen. It is how I choose to face them which will affect me positively or negatively. 

How do you feel about your conditions?

I love my neuro-divergence. I have coined the term ‘adult kid’ to describe myself to the ones who do not have knowledge of autism and ADHD. These conditions do not look the same on every person. I feel I am different. It is good in my eyes and I embrace my conditions wholeheartedly. Those who like my enthusiastic energy and simplicity to life are drawn to my presence. The rest are not my people. That is perfectly alright with me. 

How do you perceive the world around you and how do you think the world perceives you?

I perceive the world around me to be human. I have to rely on a greater power to sustain me during my challenges. I lean hard on my faith in order to not have hatred toward humanity. It is not always an easy task. I do lots of self-talk and honest conversations with God about how I feel. However, I have no idea how the world perceives me! I try to keep a ‘poker face’ in public. I recognize I am heavily in the media and people of all ages look up to me. I cannot tell others to have faith and God will see them through unless I am modeling this myself. When I go outside my confinement, I present positivity to the world. I am smiling, laughing, and doing what I can to spread that energy to those who come in my pathway. 

What do you do to cope?

At this point, I depend on God to help me cope with challenges. I listen to instrumental gospel hymnals or regular hymnals also. I read my bible everyday. It is the only book I like to read for pleasure and peace. I also like to read positive news articles about people helping others. I love watching family friendly movies, going to parks or kiddy events with hands-on activities. I hate negativity. If I am already going through a difficult situation, I make every effort to consume positive things in my personal space. 

Is there anything, or anyone in your life that has helped you? 

My dad has helped me a lot with adjusting. I know how to have a cooler head in life and be more patient. My dad is and has been patient with my conditions. He does not judge me for it. I think I always knew this. High school days, I loved going to his classroom. It was my safe haven. My dad felt like a security blanket for me. In many ways, he still is. 

I also went through a sexual trauma services program. I initially did it to face the rape in a more healthier way, but I found it to be helpful in other aspects of my life. I was able to see how I can set boundaries and not allow individuals to walk all over me. It gave me a chance to reflect on my actions. I choose to forgive my rapist and the other people who hurt me throughout the years. This might seem crazy in nature. Still, it is the only way the written poetry can be positive and inspirational. It has to come from a sincere place. I had to forgive everyone who broke my heart, so I could finally move forward. 

What help and advice can you give others going through mental health challenges?

I advise people to seek help and not try to handle things totally on their own. It is not healthy, nor beneficial to anyone’s overall well-being. It could look like therapy, medication, meditation, health/recovery/trauma programs, or support groups. Do what works best. Mine was the sexual trauma services program, my faith in God (meditation), and poetry. I completed the program and use the tools I learned to this day. I focus on meditation and poetry. All have been super helpful for me. Each of us needs help sometimes. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It shows strength and takes unnecessary weight off one’s shoulders. 

When did you start using poetry to help you?

I started using poetry to help me at 13. My teenage years are when the anxieties began and I was getting bad panic attacks. The poetry brought balance to my life. It took me to a different world. I realize now the world has always been supernatural. This is why I felt such peace after I read the poetry or performed it. 

Why poetry? 

Poetry speaks to anyone of any age. It is not limited to a specific format or style. There is freedom in it. Poetry allows the writer to share emotions in a creative light. It can cause a reader to step into the writer’s mind or come up with personal interpretations. 

What is your writing process - from that initial idea, thought or feeling, to actual words on paper?

Poetry is dear to my heart because of my unique ability. Naturally, I am unable to write poetry on my own. I actually find writing very difficult. I have to depend on my faith in God to help me write. The poetry is divinely given. Many times I must find out how to spell a word through Google and learn the meaning. Often, I will forget the definition within a few seconds, since I gain information by repetition only. 

The best way I can describe my divine experience is talking on the telephone. I get this ringing sensation randomly in my head. I pick up the phone and listen to God talk. I do not ask questions. I just write down everything said. This all comes from my autism. Having the mindset of a child gives me pure access to the supernatural. It is an incredible feeling I am grateful for. I have a chance to be a voice for those who are not considered in the ‘gifted’ category of neurodivergence. 

How could other people benefit from writing poetry?

The benefit of writing poetry is it being an outlet to get thoughts down on paper. I am always amazed when I hear stories about people who were not a writer prior, but gave poetry a chance. Sometimes we can fall upon a knack for something once we take a leap of faith. Poetry is a way to release negativity. It is a defense mechanism to assist in overcoming obstacles. Poetry has more power than people believe. Benefits of poetry for me personally are opportunities to help others and be a positive role model. I continue to share the messages poetry gives individuals searching for answers. Poetry can definitely lead society toward a spiritual awakening.