I THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE FIXED

By Javan McGriff

For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me.

I didn’t have the words for it when I was younger. I just knew that I felt different. Lost. Broken. Confused. Lonely, even when people were around me.

Some of that started when I was very young.

Between the ages of seven and eleven, I experienced sexual abuse multiple times. When I was ten, I was attacked by two pit bulls. A couple of years later, I was bullied from middle school into part of high school.

I was a child trying to carry things that no child should have to carry.

But I didn’t know how to talk about any of it.

As a young boy, I wasn’t taught how to process trauma or express what I was feeling. I didn’t know how to release anger, fear, shame, or sadness. So I learned to suppress everything.

I suffered quietly.

Eventually, those experiences followed me into adulthood. I struggled with PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, and depression. There were times when I felt so disconnected from myself and the world around me that I wondered if I even deserved to exist.

I didn’t understand that what I was experiencing was connected to what I had survived.

I just thought I was broken.

During college, I found myself partying heavily. I drank and smoked to the point that it made me sick. Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t really trying to have a good time.

I was trying to escape.

I was trying to numb the things I didn’t know how to feel.

Eventually, I reached a point where I realized I couldn’t keep living that way. I remember feeling incredibly powerless, but somewhere inside of that powerlessness, I made a decision:

I wanted to heal.

I didn’t know what healing was going to look like. I just knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life running from myself.

I started hiking. I meditated. I spent more time alone with my thoughts. I started searching for answers through spirituality and eventually developed a deeper connection with Christ.

It wasn’t an overnight transformation.

It took years.

There were moments when I felt like I was making progress and moments when I felt like I was right back where I started. But slowly, I began learning how to sit with myself instead of running from myself.

That changed everything.

I eventually went to school for a Master’s degree in Psychology because, honestly, part of me thought I was going to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it.

But psychology taught me something I never expected.

I didn’t need to be fixed.

I needed to become whole.

I needed acceptance.

I needed awareness.

I needed to become willing to look at the parts of myself I had spent years hiding from.

I started thinking about my mind like a house. There were rooms inside of me that I had locked away for years. Rooms filled with memories, emotions, fears, and questions I didn’t want to touch.

Healing meant slowly opening those doors.

Not to judge what was inside.

Just to finally acknowledge it.

And somewhere along the way, I started finding myself again.

I remember becoming grateful for really small things.

Seeing a butterfly cross my path.

Watching flowers bloom.

Going outside and feeling present.

Those moments might seem ordinary, but to me they felt extraordinary because I was actually experiencing life instead of trying to escape it.

Then something else happened.

I started creating again.

I started painting like a child.

I wasn’t thinking about whether the painting was good enough. I wasn’t thinking about selling it. I just wanted to create.

Art became a way for me to express things that words couldn’t always explain.

Writing became another form of release.

After completing my Master’s program, I wrote Dealing With Emotions, a spiritual and psychological book designed to help people navigate the emotional battles of everyday life, especially the battles connected to the things we don’t always talk about.

I started a podcast to share free spiritual and practical resources and encourage people who might be struggling.

I became a substance abuse counselor.

And I began professionally selling my artwork, with some of my pieces being displayed and sold through galleries.

When I look at my life now, I realize I didn’t get here by erasing my pain.

I got here by learning how to transform it.

The things I once thought made me weak became part of my strength.

The experiences I wanted to forget became part of my message.

The creativity I had buried came back to life.

And, in many ways, I started healing the little boy inside of me.

The little boy who was attacked.

The little boy who was abused.

The little boy who was bullied.

The little boy who didn’t understand why he felt so different.

I wish I could go back and tell him something.

You were never broken.

You were hurting.

There is a difference.

Today, I don’t believe healing means that you never struggle again. I don’t believe it means forgetting what happened or pretending that everything is okay.

I think healing means learning that what happened to you doesn’t get to decide who you become.

There are still things I’m learning. There are still difficult days. My story isn’t finished.

But I have something today that I didn’t have before:

Hope.

I love life in a way I once couldn’t imagine.

I’m excited about creating. I’m excited about helping people. I’m excited about what might be waiting around the corner.

And I’m grateful for the little things.

I used to wonder if I deserved to exist.

Now I understand that my existence has value simply because I am here.

If you’re reading this and you feel broken, I want you to know something I had to learn for myself:

You may not be broken.

You may be carrying something you were never taught how to carry.

And that doesn’t mean you have to carry it forever.

You don’t have to have everything figured out today.

Start small.

Talk to someone.

Create something.

Go outside.

Take a walk.

Pray.

Write down what you’re feeling.

Ask for help.

Give yourself permission to feel.

And most importantly, give yourself permission to believe that your life can become something different from what happened to you.

I used to think my story was something I needed to escape.

Now I understand that it is something I can use.

My story is still unfolding.

But I’m no longer afraid of turning the page!

Javan is also the author of two books, CREATOR and Dealing With Emotions. CREATOR is centered around the message “Your story matters” and is intentionally divided into two parts: the first half shares Javan’s personal journey, while the second half serves as a practical guide to help readers explore their own stories, emotions, creativity, communication, and purpose. His second book, Dealing With Emotions, combines spiritual and psychological perspectives to help readers navigate the emotional battles of everyday life, particularly the emotions and struggles that can come from unspoken experiences and trauma. Javan is also the creator of Planet Jav, a creative platform encompassing art, books, media, storytelling, coaching, workshops, and speaking. As a visual artist, he creates abstract acrylic paintings inspired by emotion, personal experience, energy, and self-expression. His artwork has been professionally sold and featured through galleries. Through his books, art, podcast, and other creative work, Javan’s mission is to encourage people to become more aware of their inner world, embrace their stories, and recognize that their past does not have to determine their future.

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