Thank you for taking time out to talk to us Antonio. Tell me more about your mental health challenges.

I have CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression and anxiety. Also have learning difficulties such as Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Irlen Syndrome and Autism. I've never been ashamed of having these issues, and very vocal about it in full.

Can you identify how and when they first started? 

Not really too sure when it started to be honest ... Looking back, I say it was me getting traumatised from my childhood. From then on, I think things just went from bad to worse. The issue is that in terms of dealing with matters, it was always kept behind closed doors. It's why I was always so upset whenever I heard the line "children should be seen and not heard". We should be seen AND heard!

When I was a little boy about seven or eight years old, I heard a noise - repeatedly been hit against something. I ran to where the noise was and my dad was screaming and begging my mum to stop. Confused ... younger me was just thinking what is going on as I looked in. There was my mum, on the kitchen floor, hand and knees, with a hammer in the other hand, smashing Dad's watch. It was one of those watches where you store phone numbers on them and they were a pretty big deal back then. My mum turned and looked me dead in the eyes while saying: "If I ever. .. EVER lie to her ... I'll do the same thing to you as well." It traumatised me. I didn't understand what had happened. Why was she so upset? Later I found out ... Dad was having an affair. I didn't know what that meant at the time. Months later, my dad wanted to kill me by throwing me out of the window. This was due to me saying I didn't want to eat someone else's food. I forgave him because ... that's what I did. Sigh ... Still do. Days ... Maybe months later ... My mum wanted to kill dad with a cricket bat. I can't remember the whole thing, but I just remember dad leaving. It was scary. Whilst my mum will never admit to it, she was also sleeping with my dad's co-worker; to this day she never admits it but that is always the case. 

I think what happened to me made me realise what was real true meaning of an Impact (traumatic event that made me feel ill), was that left me feeling shaken up. I hated the fact that it happened, and yet ... despite it all ... I'm glad I did have it happen; I needed it to happen so I could be where I am. I've gone through so many problems and Impacts that I do wonder how I am still standing - because it's too much. Let me be honest ... I still keep thinking of an end because I struggle with life so much more than I need to. With all the other traumas I faced from various types of abuse (sexual, physical, mental and emotional), I now get triggered when it comes to speaking about anyone talking about my daughter. She never made it due to been a stillbirth, which haunts me to this day. If I been pushed beyond my limit, then I do shut down and start having tics. Never been ashamed of who I am as a person and want more people to step up and be open about it.

How do you feel at this time? 

In a word ... drained. As if the life has been taken out of me, and I then need to reset myself back to getting myself to full health again. The best way to describe it is if looking at an empty water bottle that was filled with water. That's very much how I feel. So many times I'm fighting against my darkness, and I'm really do try to find the positive in life which can be hard in this day and age.

How did you cope at the time?

You know I ask myself that every day! I keep looking in the mirror and say ... Oh, I'm still here, what's the challenge today. Life is a challenge and for me each challenge is like adding another item to my plate at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure, we think we can handle another bite, but we also have to know our limits. We can't help everyone else, as well as ourselves, so I have to take a moment and say that's enough for today. Give yourself a break and please. .. pace yourself! There's plenty of ways to help others but remember to help yourself first.