THE BATTLE IS WON
By Jason Kirk Bartley
I had been having auditory hallucinations at the time, and was living in fear and thought people could read my thoughts. A police officer had pulled me over for erratic driving. He was right. I probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel. But even though I was almost in a head-on collision with his cruiser, I thought everything was fine. The officer alerted me that if I killed someone with my driving, I'd go to prison, and suggested I go to the local psyche ward. I didn't want to because I was at the University of Cincinnati pursuing a graphic design degree, and part-time with the Ohio Air National Guard at the time, and it would throw a wrench into my life, but the concerned police officer talked me into going, where I was subsequently diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and placed on medication.
At first the medication did not work; I still was very delusional with thoughts of grandeur and paranoia, but at that time I lived with my mother, and checked myself into a mental health facility now and then, and over time, the meds started to work and I learned the skills needed to live on my own. I got a honourable medical discharge from the military, and college would be on hold while I got better.
At first my diagnosis was total shock; I felt like I was letting myself and others down. I couldn't believe it. But now I accept it - it's not the end of my story; just the beginning, and have many goals I still want to achieve in life. Now, my mental issues push me to do better; they catapult me to overcome the obstacles I have in my life, and I constantly tell myself that I'll get better. And I now love myself, and my skills and my purpose in life.
I've always been open and honest with my doctors about my mental health, and have continually stayed on my medicine. During my panic attacks, I would pray and call someone to talk me out of it before calling the emergency services or the police. Sometimes I'd either call the clinic or my mother to calm me down, but I've been stable now for about 20 years. I am no longer delusional. I no longer have visual hallucinations - although I do still have auditory ones every once in awhile. And although I am still an outpatient at the local medical centre, I haven't been sent to a lockdown facility or the local psyche ward in years. I lost my driver's licence upon diagnosis but, with my doctor's approval, have successfully re-applied.
I have a great support network of friends, and family, and lead a normal life now. I work part-time and volunteer for my church, and in 2017 got a Master's degree in ministry with honors from Ohio Christian University. My church is more than just a church; they are my family, and my Pastor has helped me several times with stress.
And in 2020, I married Nila the wife of my dreams. She deals with her own mental health issues too. She's truly a blessing in my life. We complement each other. She's the love of my life.
And for anyone struggling at the moment I would like to say: Never give up. Never cease, and never surrender. You can survive. You must survive. Make little goals for yourself and meet them. Take baby steps - not everyone starts out as a CEO! Keep a positive mind and outlook and remember - ALL things are possible.
AT ARM'S LENGTH
By Jason Kirk Bartley
At arm's length I'll keep you,
hurt so many times before
by people who I trusted,
sometimes they'd knock me
to the floor,
At arm's length you'll stay,
this will settle the score.
At arm's length,
You'll not gouge me like you
did before,
The time will come when I need someone,
but at arm's length you'll always stay,
'Cause you hurt me once,
you hurt me twice,
you betrayed my trust in such a sadistic way.
You're at arm's length by what you choose to do or say.
God knows the one who always pokes fun at me and He sees,
It's hard to trust the one who always knocks me to my knees.
Stay at arm's length away from me,
Just like I asked before.
'Cause you'll never, ever hurt me the way you did,
no not anymore.
ABOUT JASON
Jason is paranoid schizophrenic, and copes with his illness every day. He has a master's degree in ministry, and has been published various times and won a number of awards.