Featured Poet - Robbi Nester

Featured Poet - Robbi Nester

SCREEN DOOR

To Leslie


Chipped green door, old grass losing its spring under the foot. 

Heavy, too heavy for the frame. Banging each time it closed. 

We were two little girls, Playdough underneath our fingernails. 

The screen door was awkward for a child, not flimsy like the others 

on the block—stodgy, dodgy, opening with a shriek. It matched 

the green door in its forbidding stiffness. Hard wind lashed, smashing 

the screen door, slap, out of your palms, sent it spinning across the lawn, 

shards of glass and twisted metal. Cyclone, my father touching down, 

sweeping everything away. He grabbed your arm, another person’s 

child, no barriers, and whipped you while I watched and wept, 

at once grieving and relieved that someone else 

could share the burden of his rage.


RITUAL


I’ve always gravitated

toward the dark, seeking

immunity, a tiny dose 

of fear to ease my terror. 

As a child, I couldn’t 

sleep, hearing footsteps 

on the stairs and in 

the hall, imagining 

I saw the eyes 

of prying neighbours 

in the window opposite 

my room. I’d take strange 

comfort, huddling in the closet 

like a cat, among the shoes 

and shadows, so I would be 

the presence in the dark. 

Squatting, I would sleep, 

free for once, knowing 

who was waiting 

for my eyes to close.


PAST THE BREAKERS


When I was five, my father 

took me to the spot where 

waves begin, a hollowing 

of sand beneath my feet.

I thought that he would

hold me

rest me on the waves’ soft

shoulders, but instead, 

he tossed me into glass-green swells.

I sank, cold water covering my mouth 

and nose, an airless prison.


Eventually, he yanked me upward by an arm.


Through tears, I saw 

my mother waving 

from a bright, striped towel.

Why did my father 

exercise such cruelty

over my body. Perhaps 

to show control. Perhaps

to prove he held 

my life in his hard hands.


'Ritual' and 'Past the Breakers' were previously published in my collection, 'Narrow Bridge' (Main Street Rag, 2019). 'Screen Door' is part of my new manuscript, Everything Will Be Transformed.

ABOUT THE POEMS: All three of the poems reference my traumatic early life as the child of parents with mental illness. My father inherited Tourettes, OCD, and Bipolar Disorder. Because of shame, this history was withheld from me, but I could witness it in my father, who was never treated or medicated for any of his disorders until old age, when I took charge of his care. My mother was a hoarder and suffered from severe anxiety. It is perhaps not surprising, since living with my father, who was volatile and violent, exacerbated these disorders. She did not protect me from my father or others who bullied me in my childhood. My parents had many fine qualities as people, but it was difficult to grow up in this environment, especially since relatives who could have shielded me shrank away, hoping to avoid the shame of having mentally ill family members. Writing and reading were a sanctuary for me during that time, and still help me to process difficult and intense experiences and emotions." 

You can read more of Robbi's poetry in the 4th issue of MindFull.


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